“It is not for me to judge another man’s life. I must judge, I must choose, I must spurn, purely for myself. For myself, alone.”
Herman Hesse
Thursday
There is an option. An offer on the table. A good offer.
Safe. Clean. Practical. Responsible. Reliable.
Should we turn it down?
There is no enthusiasm for this offer.
“He hated to think of his own life stretching ahead of him that way, a long succession of days and nights that were fine – not good, not bad, not great, not lousy, not exciting, not anything.”
Robert Cormier
Another week down.
Interviews drain energy, and work is intense.
I find myself craving alcohol moving into the weekend. It seems obvious that I am leaning on alcohol.
Daily meditation. Daily exercise. Reading…. nothing compares to actual drugs.
Friday
“You cannot swim for new horizons until you have courage to lose sight of the shore.”
William Faulkner
Gym.
More interviews today.
I know what I want. I don’t dare to let go.
I lack the courage.
I am convinced that our plan will work. It will provide us everything we have dreamed of.
“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.”
Anias Nin
I interview and it goes well. Like a lemming over the cliff I am suddenly desperate to take this opportunity.
What can change so much in a few hours?
I finish Sapiens and move on to Homo Deus. I am really just working towards Nexus, Harari’s latest book.
Sapiens is well written and I enjoy the author’s take on a well worn topic. I prefer these realistic views on mankind and progress. a push back on the Pinker ‘everything is great, things have never been better’ rhetoric.
Sapiens is very similar to Christopher Ryan’s novel, Civilised To Death, and I prefer the later.
“One of history’s few iron laws is that luxuries tend to become necessities and to spawn new obligations.”
Yuval Noah Harari
Saturday
Gym. I don’t want to be here and the workout reflects the attitude.
Shell has a catch up with a friend for coffee and I have another interview.
I spend another day reading.
When we were in Cambodia I would read at the pool.
There is a pool here. There are cultural issues that impact how Shell feels about using the pool. There is also a ridiculously loud speaker pumping out terrible music.
Like a lot of things here, they try, but just don’t get it right.
“We have to create culture, don’t watch TV, don’t read magazines, don’t even listen to NPR. Create your own roadshow. The nexus of space and time where you are now is the most immediate sector of your universe”
Terrence McKenna
The interview goes well.
Shell already has her offer. It is down to me. I am confident I will get something.
We open a bottle of wine and plan out our future.
Another country. A new experience.
So it goes.
“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
Oscar Wilde
Sunday
“All over the place, from the popular culture to the propaganda system, there is constant pressure to make people feel that they are helpless, that the only role they can have is to ratify decisions and to consume.”
Noam Chomsky
Over the last few days I have marvelled at Rachelle rejecting job offers.
I am conditioned to see every opportunity as some kind of gift.
In all aspects of life, including the job market, we have been systematically convinced that some have control, and the rest of us are grateful for the crumbs they offer.
Watching Rachelle turn down offers and dictate the terms of contract reminds me that this imbalance is a narrative of our own imagination.
Every offer I receive I romanticise it to the point I want it desperately. This is when the power shifts.
The object of persecution is persecution. The object of torture is torture. The object of power is power. Now you begin to understand me.”
George Orwell
Sunday always makes you think of Monday.
All morning in bed.
I do some work.
Prepare my lunches.
Read.
This weekend’s wine –
2022 Barone Montalo Due Mondi Pinot Grigio (Sicily, Italy)
Cheap and tastes it. Not bad. Not great.
2021 Leonardo Da Vinci Chianti (Chianti, Italy)
I can’t stand the name, but I am a sucker for the fiasco. See previous notes.