Routines

I food prep for each day.

Sunday. For the week ahead.

Control.

 

I have always struggled with weight.

 

Food is a coping mechanism.

 

I was at my heaviest in the late 1990s.

 

148 kg.

 

I went heavier. I just refused to get on the scales after 148.

 

I might have got to 160 kg.

 

Medication was required to manage hypertension. That is another story.

 

When you are in a bad place emotionally and physically, some people eat more, and others eat less. Some people drink.

 

It is all the same. Just a different path to numbness and trying to fill the emptiness. Pizza. Chocolate. Scotch. Heroin. Religion.

 

“It is impossible to understand addiction without asking what relief the addict finds, or hopes to find, in the drug or the addictive behaviour.” – Gabor Maté

When I had purpose, I was fine. My weight that is. My head was distracted.

 

In the early 2000s, I was back on the mats and boxing. I was making weight and training hard.

 

Lifting heavy.

 

Purpose and routine. Distraction.

 

Physical distraction from the real issue. Mental health.

 

In the late 2010s, another injury. Without distraction, it all started again.

 

Back up to 120 kg. Never off hypertension medication.

 

I had the testosterone of a 90 year old. Not low. Zero.

 

On the TRT. The silver bullet for men’s health.

TRT, the great bandaid.

 

“Whether you sniff it smoke it eat it or shove it up your ass the result is the same: addiction.” – William S. Burroughs

Back in the gym, and things are OK. At least the TRT is giving my lifting a push along.

 

But there is no purpose. No routine.

 

I pretend being 120 kg and strong is a good thing.

 

Change is good, but it can be challenging.

 

Shell is the catalyst.

 

Three months after we meet, I feel so much better despite all the mayhem going on around us.

 

100 kg. But it is my mind that is recovering. The dark cloud is lifting.

 

I read In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Maté. I started to understand.

 

2014 I go off TRT. Tough. You drop to nothing and hope your natural test bumps out of a coma.

 

It did.

 

2019 I am off the hypertension medication. Normal blood pressure.

 

I still put on weight quickly. I am an embarrassment at a buffet.

 

Now I have the tools.

 

Routine is key.

 

I meal prep for every day.

 

Routine. Discipline. Control.

 

Impossible without the right head space.

 

Impossible without the right person by your side.

 

I don’t like to think about where I would be without Shell.